Clouds Muddling the Mind

Laurie Childree By Laurie Childree, 15th Nov 2011 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Diaries

When you have nothing but time on your hands it can allow you to think. The thoughts come without warning or filter and can lead you to some stunning conclusions.

Thinking Can Be Dangerous

I have been thinking a lot lately and it's starting to take it's toll. The mornings are the worse, I am up before six in the morning most days now. Actually during the two weeks that I was recently without my computer I was up as early as 3:30 a.m. which I was not that thrilled about to be honest. I had nothing to do but be up. I had no computer so I could not work. The worst thing is that now that I have it back and it is working for the moment there is a part that will have to be replaced in order to keep it running as long as it will.

I have been thinking about a lot of things. Finances, marriage, children and the man that I am in love with. While I hold no delusions that he is in love with me I am thankful that he is my friend. I trust him with my life and that is something that I can not say about too many people. I am thankful to know that I at least have one person there for me when I need them the most. I know they care about my well being and my children's well being which makes them more valuable to me than they will ever realize.

All of the thinking that I did these last few weeks caused me to worry. When I first got my computer back so I could work I found myself unable to focus. I am slowly working to correct this by focusing on the things that are most important to me in this life while I re-prioritize.

Covering Expenses

I have re-evaluated my monthly, semi-annual and annual expenses a great deal these past few weeks. The regular expenses to run this household, my child's supplements and the items required to live are getting to be rather expensive. Once again I am re-evaluating my spending at what could not be a worse time.

Birthdays and Holidays My children are both December babies and they celebrate Christmas. I am their mother I feel a sense of sadness at the thought of not being able to provide them the gifts that they want. I know my oldest who will only be twelve this year (2011) understands that I am broke, but my youngest who will only be five does not. It saddens me that either of my children know this reality at such a young age.

Regular Monthly Expenses The light bill is on budget billing making it $245 each month. While that figure is higher than I would like it to be it is better than ending up with a $400 bill I am not prepared for and having the lights turned off. My phone used to have a $33 a month bill that gave me 30MB of Internet, 1500 minutes and 1500 text messages. Right now I have less than $10 on it because I answered my phone and accidentally hit the button to take me to a website while checking my balance. I am paying 20 cents a minute right now because I didn't have the money for even the lowest plan available to me. I am still thinking about whether or not to keep my cell phone at all since I know of people that are doing away with them and turning to other methods for phone calls. That's just the beginning there are more bills and even more expenses that have to be covered on a regular basis.

I'm still working out the details of it all but I think I have it almost figured out. Almost. It is going to take a great deal of work. Internet is now $54.50 up from $50.50 for unlimited portable access. The goal is to earn enough each month that I do not even notice I am paying more for Internet. When I first obtained Internet access my bill was only $25 a month. There is no way to get it that low again at the moment without a contract or cutting out the amount of time spent working online down to nothing.

Bright Spot

There is a bright spot in all of this! There is the possibility that my divorce will be filed and finalized sooner than I thought that it would. I was aware that I could file myself without an attorney provided I could locate the correct format for the paperwork. We would also have to agree and pay the filing fees ourselves. Well, I recently discovered that if I can hide as little as $30 a week I could cover the fees in approximately six weeks. Now to figure out how to hide money when my resistant to giving me my divorce husband is doing every thing that he can to break me.

Determined to Stand My Ground

In Spite of Everything I would be determined to stand my ground. I do not care to stay in this marriage one moment longer than I have to. I will get out of it. I may once again end up a broke single mother but I will never again settle for a man that I do not care for simply because I am tired and desperate. Settling turned out to put me in a worse position than I ever was alone and I do not intend to do it again.

I know I can stand alone and in future I will remember that.


Attorney, Divorce, Expenses, Filing Fees, Love, Marriage

Meet the author

author avatar Laurie Childree
I'm the single mother of an autistic child a published author. I have a wide range of topics that interest me including personal finance, writing, self employment and creative writing.

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author avatar richardpeeej
10th Dec 2011 (#)

It is so dark in the mornings Laurie, If you have a friend and a lover then you have all that you need ...take care .:-)

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