Parenting is hard enough, in a strong marriage, but when the difficulties and distractions of divorce turn into a custody battle, lives sometimes fall apart. Fortunately, control over your life, after divorce, can be maintained. Just be mindful of a few simple tips.
These tips come from my own life
How many divorcees are caught up in a messy, painful, and expensive custody battle, right now? Millions? Rather than put yourself through the gauntlet emotionally, as a parent deprived of a relationship with your kids, Learn to remain the parent who remains in complete control of emotional responses, and perhaps inspire the same in the ex’s behavior, as well.
Without going into all of the various ways an ex-spouse can try to get “under the skin” of the other, and for whatever reason, divorcees need to understand not to show anger. Don’t do it in front of the judge, friends, or the kids, ever, and for all the right reasons.
Even if your failed marriage has brought you nothing but missing time with those little ones of yours, you owe it to them to never let them see either of their parents – the ultimate role model – as a broken or defeated soul. Some of the biggest parts of a parent’s job are to serve as the child’s image of how to endure difficulties in life. Within so many aspects of being a role model, controlling one’s emotive state is central to most aspects of your public personality, and your private character. I hope these tips help you, as much as they’ve helped me over the years:
Controlled breathing begets controlled emotions
Deep abdominal breathing. Giving your brain enough oxygen to keep all processes running accordingly is crucial during as high-stress of a time as any divorce can be. Right now, will prove to be one of your most important decision-making times, of your life.
Breathing abdominally, at every opportunity helps to keep a person calm. Breathing deeply regularly helps to prevent the “fight-or-flight” mentality of a heavily emotional experience. Breathe deeply in court, when dealing with the ex, and when saying goodbye to the children.
The choices you make, the paths you choose, ultimately turn out to be the world you leave your kids, during a custody dispute. Take the high road, and be fair, even when it is difficult. Just accept the fact, it’s just not about you. So, make just one small decision to consciously focus on deep abdominal breathing. Emotions are not to be ignored, but there is a time and place for everything.
What’s the real priority?
Keep in mind, it’s what’s best for them, that counts. Not only does this rule of thumb apply to who gets the majority of custody, but it also factors in on everything else the courts decide. Frankly, as a parent, the feelings of mom or dad, are quite moot. Neither of their feelings matters on the topic, from the moment they first conceived. It’s that simple.
What’s there to be upset about?
Understanding the children are going to be okay. If for any reason, you believe the kids are not going to be okay, and you’re not doing all you’re able to peaceably (if possible) to protect them, they were something to happen, you share in that liability. Since you know they’re gonna be alright, you can rest, occasionally. So keep working. Yes, a custody dispute sucks. but the only thing which warrants a hysterical reaction would be a hysterical situation.
Breakaway from habitual thinking
Slowly counting from one to ten, repeatedly, slowly. Closing the eyes for a good ten minutes a day, and counting just the numbers one through ten, daily, slowly and repetitively, allows a body to catch itself outside of its automatic thinking, and helps a person to examine their habitual responses. At least, that’s what I got out of it anyway.
Use this on the off chance you get five minutes to yourself, since that’s about how long it takes, to perform. Use any other private meditation routines you wish. Be capable of stepping out of any “habitual thinking.” This is a simple procedure to be used as a meditation tool.
This helps immensely
Chamomile tea Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it. A cup of nicely-flavored, chamomile tea (I like French Vanilla, myself.) does help a body relax. It’s often said chamomile tea has an almost “hypnotic” effect on a drinker’s senses. Yet, there are no “druggy effects, nor are there any habit-forming yearnings.
What matters is a divorcee in the middle of a custody fight has a lot going against them, and a cup of chamomile tea helps ease the emotional state of anyone in pain. Before making any rash decisions, to phone, write, contact, or rant, give it the time it takes to have a cup to decide whether your chosen plan of action will yield the results you anticipate.
Bonus: doing all of these at the same time, results in a more lasting sense of overall relief from the anxiety of missing them. Doing them all at the same time, daily, helps preserve a mind’s bearings, in the decisions ahead.
Bonus: Keep your perspective on the custody dispute
Most importantly, keep in mind, the Universe is going to go on, whether you’re in charge of it, or not. And that’s just that, friend. Being able to control one’s emotive states also allows folks the ability to objectively observe their own lives. We keep our ability to direct as well, as to be actor and audience, of our own lives.